Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
What personal space?
My dog
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Eat…
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Admin smashed it 😂
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?