Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Give a baker flours on your first date.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.