[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
WHY?!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.