When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”