Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
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she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Lmao the reply
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
BRO LMFAO
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix