Awwwww shit.
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[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.