parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
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Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
How it started: How it’s going:
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.