Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable