I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)