You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.