I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.