*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
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I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away