i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Yeah. This was me today.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.