Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it