[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
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the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees