ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
my name if I was in the mob
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Weirdly Wednesday.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I need to get some bricks…
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs