My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Me too 😆
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal