and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy