Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever