Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
You Might Also Like
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]