Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me as a therapist: omg same
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.