Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
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My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.