Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver