WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir