I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
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“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
i was baptized in a car wash
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.