i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!