I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
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It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.