Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
man: wait
time: no
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions