The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
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Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.