she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You Might Also Like
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.