Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
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There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.