How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I just love that new Pope smell.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel