I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.