Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.