[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old