coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
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I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears