Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.