8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
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I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse