grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter