Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
greetings!
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea