Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Worth the read.
reviewed some movies recently
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Not all heroes wear capes….
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.