I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
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I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
3% human
97% stress
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Meow
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….