Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
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[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend