any last words?
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[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
just left a huge legacy in there
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria