Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is