“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
i think we should see other cousins
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.