nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I’m giving up ice.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.