A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff