Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some