Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
How dramatic are you?
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.